Oh Bondage, up yours!

Welp it's 4:40-something and I'm waiting for mitda to brew some coffee. We both woke at 1:30 originallly but managed to go back to sleep together for 3 hours. 3 hours of sleep that I desperately needed. I have an RSI in my neck from keyboarding / mousing and the pain has been particularly sharp all night tonight. The office is unbearably hot, thanks to the two space heaters (read a Sun Blade 2000 and an IBM RS/6000) that are in here at present. The RS is not so bad, but there's a reason Sun called its machines Suns. So I need coffee and excedrin and ibuprofen to get the head and neck into gear.

Thursday already and I have too much work to finish this week. And this weekend is booked off, there's no time to do much if any overtime to finish it up. A lot of what I'm doing at work are long-winded tests that take hours before they unearth issues, but they have to be done. Part of the reason they take so long has to do with populating our cache database - out of a current total of 37,000+ records the most I've actually been able to populate and test is 1700, because in development the database is blown away every night and recreated by scripts, and it takes hours to populate just those few records, coming as they do from a programming interface to a very slow database located in Ohio. So what does this have to do with BDSM? Nothing much, except it shows you the master's masochistic side ; ).

A new set of bondage cuffs and associated gear arrived yesterday and I took the opportunity to lock up emmie last night as well as mitda. mitda is pretty used to it now, but it was the first time emmie had been locked up all night without any way of releasing herself (the cuffs were padlocked and without the key - no way to unlock them). She seemed to do well, there were no issues when I unlocked her this morning. Being bound at night is something I prefer for my slaves but we are doing it progressively, both for practical reasons (purchase of bondage gear) and psychological reasons. I will be picking up a couple more padlocks today which will allow me to lock mitda's wrists to her thighs all night. Although I can't do this at present with emmie as well, as of tonight she will wear a different collar at night and her wrists will be locked together, then locked to the collar. mitda is ready to sleep in a somewhat uncomfortable position, emmie's position will be uncomfortable simply because it won't be released all night, but I feel she needs more time before she's ready to be both fully bound and strapped down to the bed all night.

You might wonder why I go to this trouble, especially when I'm generally a very lazy dom. But it is important in terms of the slave internalizing their place in the household. To be locked up and bound at night enforces their position as one of property. Unlike some D/s dynamics I do not like to denigrate or remove the slave's person from the equation by treating them as an object of property, other than in play or scening, I prefer to treat them fully as people. But they remain owned people. Having them as owned people and not things to me simply increases their worth. And the more fully I own their bodies, hearts and minds, the more worth they have to me as well.

Coercion and Mastery

I wrote a post a little while ago separating abuse and bdsm.  This post is to attempt to tease out the difference(s) between coercion and mastery. 

Coercion is an act of the will, frustrated by opposition, to turn another will by the force of guile.  Ultimately it is dishonest in its actions and in its intent, bending the will of another to its own advantage for the sake of furthering its will alone.

Mastery does not turn the other's will, and certainly does not operate under any guise but its own open strength.  It is functionally honest in both actions and intent, and its intent is to master the will of the other to the other's own advantage, for the sake of furthering both wills and conjoining them together.  Mastery is quiet in its manner and mode of going about things, because the noisy "will to power" of the mainstream hides a singular lack of power, a fundamental helplessness when it comes to either their outcomes or the outcomes of those over whom they exercise coercion.

Mitdasein

Refactoring

Refactoring code can be one of the most frustrating but ultimately rewarding exercises in programming. Essentially you take code that works but isn't pretty and perhaps has performance issues and rework it into a proper design, making it easier to maintain, and, hopefully, better performing.

Relationships, maybe, go through some refactoring every so often. We don't do it as formally, or even intentionally, but the overall structure of the relationship changes bit by bit until we suddenly find ourselves in a different configuration. And then maybe one should take the time to step back for a moment and survey the configuration and your place in it.

Our little quad has changed substantially over the last month or two. With emmie becoming a submissive and then a collared slave, and mitda pushing herself far further into IE / TPE than formerly, we've ended up with a very different power dynamic. Add to that emmie's unexpected medical retirement and the set of relationships each of us is in is quite new.

Not that this is a bad thing. Far from it. I personally am enjoying the new configuration quite a bit. But that's not to say it doesn't bring its own new stresses and new responsibilities. I have a good deal to learn about emmie, for instance, in order to meet my responsibilities as her mentor and teacher. At the same time I have to keep up with mitda's explorations to remain a good Master to her and to move as far along that vector as we can, especially since it was something I particularly wanted in the first place. But the configuration is still very new, and I hope I can settle into it as soon as possible.

Mitdasein

My Complaints

Someone commented that my chief complaint was my co-worker, not the people I co-habit with. Which of course is perfectly accurate. The last post was a bit of a tongue in cheek look at the complaints a Master gets when he doesn't come up to snuff. As far as my complaints with mitda and emmie, well, I don't have any. Which makes perfect sense. If I had a complaint with either of them it would be taken up and dealt with right away and then forgotten.

It doesn't happen quite that easily for the Master, in that he has the responsibility for caring for his slaves and ensuring they have what they need. Which in this case is enough of the right sort of attention and recognition. And sometimes I don't have sufficient energy, but more often I'm not entirely sure what kind of attention and recognition they're in need of. And they can't necessarily just tell me either, because they don't know. It's the job of the teacher to run ahead and find out what the student is in need of, procure it and provide it at the very time the student needs it. At this I've been falling down on the job a bit lately. I hope my wonderful girls will continue to understand the reasons and wait for me to get it together.

Mitdasein

Complaints etc.

This morning I sat working on my computer while mitda sighed a few times on the bed behind me at the extensive amount of time it was taking me to configure AIX. Sometimes I need to just do simple, mindless things on the systems I have, both to get them done and to relax myself, and it can be difficult for both mitda and emelina to understand that. Of course being with my girls relaxes me as well, but in a different way, and sometimes I need one or the other. Of course I was even more in for it later : ).

When emelina woke up I was treated to her complaints, which ranged from not being bound last night (there was no room if I held mitda, as mitda had requested, and I indulged her), and not having had a thrashing in too long, to sex being more intense between mitda and I than between her and I. Oddly mitda thinks sex is better between emelina and I, I suppose the sex must just look better than it is ; ).

So now they have gone to get emmie's labs done. I'm slowly getting ready to leave myself so that I can be in to work somewhat early. My co-worker pissed me off again yesterday by not talking to me until 3pm then handing me a bunch of work. So I left at 5pm on the dot. Give me the work early and it might be done the day you give it to me, simple.

Mitdasein

"Acceptance of the inevitable does not guarantee experience of the necessary."

Sulking doesn't become anyone

Yes, unbelievable as it may sound in a supposedly professional atmosphere, my co-worker is sulking and not speaking to me because I took two half days off and worked from home due to a migraine and fever.

I don't put up with such behaviour from my slaves. Very quickly they would find their sulky selves over my knee and their backsides welted and bruised. But of course if I did that here I would at least be fired if not charged with aggravated assault (would be true - I'm very aggravated, lol).

mitda had me take out some of this frustration on her on the weekend. It helped a lot but today I'm back to wondering what I'm supposed to do when the team lead on my project isn't speaking. Taking it out on her also pushed her deep into subspace, something she craves more than anything, more on that later.

"Acceptance of the inevitable does not guarantee experience of the necessary."

munching poly ice cream

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And a longer evening

Leaving work I noticed the driver's side left front tire was flat as a pancake.  I pumped it up and drove to the  nearest tire repair shop but it turned out to be unrepairable.  None of which is a huge deal, but try to find a specific brand tire in a size 225/40zr18 at shop closing time on a Friday night.  Not to be done.

So I did find a place that could order me one for tomorrow, and they'll call me.  *phew*, after phoning around for an hour it did come together. mitda got me a burger for dinner, though, which of course in my then current state didn't affect me well.  And so I was rather miserable and stressed, and tired, since I had forgotten to take adderall to work and so didn't take my afternoon dose until I got home.

There is  a point to all this.  Tonight was supposed to be "date night" as E and emelina were going to see the latest Harry Potter flick and mitda and I would therefore have alone time.  Alone time that I was hardly in the mood to make advantageous use of .  And so mitda acted a little petulant and I simply got angry.   My closest co-worker has been acting petulant and pouting at me for two days.  I didn't need it from one of my slaves.   Of course I could have whipped her for it.  But really I was angry with said co-worker, and throwing him over my knee in the office would hardly have constituted work protocol.

Mitdasein

Long day to finish up a long week

I'm not good at dealing with sulking. I've been harsh with both of my subs over it on numerous occasions. But today it is my boss at work sulking, and I don't have the option of ordering him not to do it. *sigh*

emmie and E. are going to see the new Harry Potter movie, so mitda and I have date night at home tonight. I feel sleepy more than anything but I have coffee and adderall planned for my arrival home, which should put me back in decent waking form.

Going to hang in here for 20 odd more minutes then get in the old Saab and head home. I have everything I've been given done, tested, debugged and checked in and I'm bored and falling asleep.

Mitdasein

Sexy Night

Tonight our quad just fell into a sexy feeling together and everything just flowed, so to speak ; ).  mitda, bound and locked to the bed at her wrists, was being softly played with by E while I started to smack her a little.  emmie  started to kiss me a little and I flattened mitda on the bed and began to sodomize her.  As we started to fuck E took emmie and put her on her knees, and slowly, gently slid himself into her ass.  This has been an issue due to E's unusually large size but tonight she was relaxed, pliant and ready, and as he slid further into her she squeezed and fucked on his cock with her ass, as I'd taught her.   Once he was fully penetrated and she was comfortable he started to fuck her in and out, slowly at first but building until he was fucking her into oblivion.  I continued to fuck mitda on her stomach, then turned her over and took her with her legs pointed at the sky, so she could watch E and emelina.

After everyone had finished we slept, but for some reason I woke up shortly after midnight and, thinking it was early morning, woke mitda from her mat at the foot of our bed, unlocked her and told her to make coffee.   Our activity woke up emelina and eventually even E, who usually sleeps like the dead.  mitda began by going down on me while emmie and I made out.   Then mitda asked if I would go down on her and I said yes, and told her to put her knees around my head and lower herself to my mouth.  Emmie took the opportunity to continue what mitda had been doing for me, and seeing E awake, mitda started to suck his cock while I licked her, something she doesn't usually like as she likes to concentrate on sucking properly and being licked prevents that. 

Somewhere in the middle of all this, still fully believing it was nearly dawn, I asked mitda for my adderall script, to take my morning dose and get ready for the day.  After we finished and I finally noticed that it was 1:40a it hit me that I wasn't sleeping the rest of the night.  I lay down for a while and drifted to neu! on the winamp.  Then I woke up and mitda gave me a coffee, we went for cigs and then decided to go to the office to make her come a few times.  Shortly after we started emmie knocked on the door and joined us, and emmie and I fisted mitda in both holes until she was in full on subspace and coming over and over.  As a denouement to this section emmie got on her knees, mitda beside her lying on her back, and I fisted both of them together until they came together on command.

We have plans for an early morning threesome after mitda has a llittle nap.  I will post if we do anything interesting.  Sexual domination is incredibly fulfilling and often the place where D/s starts.  It reinforces the slaves' position as owned and enhances the dom's sense of control and responsibility.

Mitdasein

Happy Monday

mitda and emelina apparently had a pretty good day today, culminating in sex. I on the other hand had a nasty day of bugs in the code (not mine) turn around as I managed to find workarounds and get all the main data flow working for the project.

I talked to my D/s buddy at work about a coming up munch next week and he's planning to attend, which will allow him to meet mitda and emelina without requiring I invite him to our place. He's not poly with his slave, which is good in a way as I don't have any pressure to share my pair :). I enjoy seeing mitda with other people and probably would with emmie but it has to be the right person, and I'm not sure about him as yet. Some work hours and a couple of short lunches hasn't proven enough for me to gauge him.

mitda's last experience with another dom wasn't the best. He turned out to be more the dominant sadist than the sadistic dominant type (more on this differentiation later). Suffice it to say she cut the playtime to only a couple of hours, went for dinner and then left without staying the night as had been planned. emmie isn't ready to be shared as of yet, i don't think, other than sexually of course with her husband and mitda.

Now that emmie's two boys are home playtime is more precious and playspace harder to come by. The older one is definitely more autistic and less aspies-like and for that reason more of a challenge for me to deal with.

Mitdasein

Slaves on the Downward Spiral

I went to bed in a bad mood last night and woke up in a worse one.  So I've spent from 2am till now pretty much working on my RS/6000 server and feeling pissy.

I'm not the only one.  Both through conversations and reading their blogs I have been well apprised that both of my slaves are down, depressed, suicidal, etc.  Not that this is the first time such things have happened, they both by chance are bipolar, as am I, and handling moodiness is a sine qua non of this relationship.

Unfortunately when it's all of us it becomes difficult to look to each other for the support we so desperately need.  emelina feels like a third wheel, mitda feels "not good enough", and me, well, I feel like I'm neither doing my job as their master nor helping myself in any way.

Mitdasein

Coming up with better plans

The need for one on one time, both from my slaves' and my own perspective, remains a real one.  But slicing up my time just doesn't work, for a myriad of reasons.  If I'm not "up for the cup", have other pressing matters, etc. during proscribed one on one time it is difficult for either mitda or emelina to accept that their time gets cut short, or doesn't happen at all.  And in a poly household we remain a family of four adults plus miscellaneous offspring, and the interaction of all four of us on a regular basis has become very interfered with.

So I'm ending this particular little experiment.  mitda and I were up early as usual today but I had things to do on our server, compiling some new software, doing a security audit to the new CIS 2 standard, etc. And I didn't feel all that well this morning, about as sexy as a turd.  So mitda didn't get any real one on one time, and tonight I want to spend the evening with the whole family to relax prior to a week of work that is going to be at the minimum long, busy and stressful.

Speaking of miscellaneous offspring, emelina's two sons are here currently, both are mildly autistic, the older more than the younger.  The younger child stays here semi-permanently, as he goes to school here and has his main life here.  The older lives most of the time in North Carolina with his bio-dad and will be returning there in a couple of weeks.  This is my first time meeting the older one, and he seems like a nice kid, albeit with a few quirks.  The younger one is one of the best kids I've ever met, and despite the autism is in the average grade for his age and pulling in A's and B's. 

mitda and I never procreated,either together or separately in previous relationships, so the miscellaneous offspring really consist of emelina's two sons from a previous marriage and E.'s two sons from a previous marriage.  E.'s youngest was here for a little while during the time that both of emelina's were in North Carolina, and he has some issues.  The older son is really an adult at this point, and is joining us in a few weeks for the indefinite future, having just graduated HS and preparing for a possible entrance into the military. 

This new addition to the on-premesis family will also put difficulties on one on one time, mostly due to lack of space in the house for anyone to couple off to.  It will be interesting to see how playtime gets accomplished, but at the very least we won't have to keep our situation secret from E.'s son as he is old enough and chill enough to deal with it in an adult manner.

Mitdasein

Dicing up the Dom

In order to avoid any issues between them mitda and emelina have diced up my time.  Evenings go to emelina, mornings to mitda.  mitda and I wake around 4am anyway, so we have time in the mornings for coffee, playtime, fucking, whatever, and emelina takes care of me after work, showering me, putting my workthings away, etc.  I usually sleep between them at night, while emelina's husband sleeps on the other side of her.

It's a rather odd feeling to have my time sliced and diced this way.  As slaves mitda and emelina have no rights to my person, only the privileges I give them.  But at the same time they only have the obligations to each other that I put on them, that and the fact that they do love each other quite a bit, and did prior to emelina joining the D/s side of our relationship.  

We will see how this arrangement works out.  It has only been a few days, so it is too soon to tell at the moment whether it will at all work out.  The main issue I have is missing the two of them together, whether as slaves, lovers or friends they are a joy to me to watch together, and I will find ways to bring that about as much as possible.  E., emelina's husband, has again been wonderful about the situation.  He has the self confidence and self knowledge necessary to accept that both his wife and his girlfriend are owned by someone, even though the personal desire either to own or be owned is simply not something he possesses.

Mitdasein

When the Dom has to dom.

I was wrong in my last post regarding emelina, she was as upset as mitda about my lapse in responsibility (http://mypoly-bilife.blogspot.com/2007/07/missing-master.html). Having an M/s relationship 24/7 has become a 24/7 responsibility. Which in general I love. And even when things aren't going perfectly and I doubt my abilities I can't renege on that responsibility, not even for a few hours. emelina posted in the comments on my blog that her day goes best when she is taken in hand. mitda wrote in her own blog something that should be a lesson to all Masters, or those considering that as a lifestyle (http://quietknowledge.wordpress.com/2007/07/04/6/). E. was equaniminous throughout all of this, as he usually is. He loves to dom in the bedroom but doesn't want my life outside of it, lol.

Thank you to both of my slaves for putting up with my error and coming home when asked to resume their duties.

Mitdasein

When the Dom doesn't want to dom.

Some days one isn't fit for anything. Today I'm not fit to be a Dom. I have little to say to my slaves and no particular desires or wants for them to serve. I've therefore given them the day off and essentially asked to be left alone.

This is a difficult thing for some slaves, not for others. emelina doesn't seem to particularly mind, while mitda is rather upset by the whole thing. In any event there's not a lot I can do about it at the moment. We will see how I feel tomorrow morning.

It is the 4th of July. Perhaps everyone needs a holiday.

Mitdasein

Dominance and Abuse

Dominants get a lot of flack.  We're accused of being "spousal abusers with an excuse", or "sadists with a philosophy".  The thing is, anger is a huge part of abuse, and lack of control the other major factor.  Sadists get off on pain, domination is a tool.   Dominants get off on control and domination, bondage, discipline and sado-masochism are tools of that control.  Submissives or slaves want, crave, need that control, discipline and domination from their Masters.

Not that this post will convince anyone who doesn't know and understand someone involved in internal enslavement or total domination. 

When it doesn't go right ...

Even in the best BDSM relationships, dominants with the best slaves, submissives happy and adoring of their masters, sometimes things don't go right ...

Today we played and it didn't go right.  Maybe mitda wasn't in the right frame of mind, after all she had her day put out of rhythm by emmie and I being home.  She'll get used to emmie being home but the Master being home on a work day always upsets things.  Anyway we played and neither of us could get properly prepped or into it.  And it didn't work.  She got nowhere near subspace and I got nowhere near domspace.  Yes there is such a thing.

I'm still learning, and so are mitda and emmie.  Perhaps I should have used my hands instead of toys, to gauge her response.  But shoulds aren't the answer.  We all have to continue to learn our places and each other.

A Blah Tuesday

Last week, after many years of avoiding psychiatry, emelina was diagnosed with a number of complaints (no, sexual deviancy wasn't among them).  Aside from the shock of actually dealing with a diagnosis, she has been dealing with the side effects of the medication she was put on and hasn't managed a day of work since, although she has tried going into work twice now. 

Family income isn't really a big issue at the moment.  We can survive off my income and E's income quite nicely.  It would be great if emelina can get disability but nobody's really getting their hopes up on that, we know too much about the SSA and their methods of avoiding awarding disability, especially to psych. patients.

So not the fun type of day we had on Sunday, although we started off the morning with some good group morning sex.  I decided to work from home after realizing I needed to learn some things about my current project code base and didn't want to do that learning in front of my colleagues.

mitda and emelina should be back shortly from the misadventure at work.  I suppose we'll discuss what can be done to either help her get back to functioning or deal with her being at home with mitda.

Motorcycle and then some

Today I took emelina and mitda for a short run on the motorcycle.  This after showing E how to basically ride.  Of course he picked it up right away.  emelina and mitda have taste in other doms.  Afterwards we ate dinner, and then came the most intense non-disciplinary thrashing session with mitda in a long time.  emelina was watching, and then E came in and joined the audience.  mitda was in subspace heaven.  i played with her sphincter with a toy while whipping her, then had her go down as the whipping continued.  To cap it off we had anal with her legs in the air while E took emelina from behind.   Very hot all round.  Now E and emelina are online with their laptops and relaxing while mitda finishes the dishes.  I love my poly M/s family.