My Complication has a Little Complication

E., emmie's husband, has found a new interest in mastery over the last little while.  He had been making tentative steps towards it for some time now, first recognizing a dominant nature in himself, but wanting to express it by being a "service dom", then moving closer to actually dominating by assisting in mitda's punishments. 

Dominating in a TPE sense is very different than the dominating done in a scene or at a play party.  While I don't hold, as the originator of the term TPE did, that people involved at a play party or in a time restricted scene are not really dominating or submitting but just playing at it, there is a wide variance between dominating someone in that situation and becoming someone's Master 24/7/365, with all the responsibilities that go with it.  Derrida has said that "responsibility is excessive or it is not a responsibility.  A limited, measured, calculable, rationally distributed responsibility is already the becoming right of morality."  I once made the mistake of trying to take a day off, and as E. himself put it, the results were "clinically interesting" and "personally terrifying".

So despite earlier misgivings about his desire to shoulder the responsibility, E. has decided that he would like to master a slave of his own.  Of course this changes the dynamics of our little M/s family just by being a stated desire.  Not that I'm against the dynamics changing, we are here to help each other grow in whatever ways we happen to grow, and I'm looking forward to seeing E. develop his mastery.   But if / when he discovers the girl he wishes to enslave to himself things will become very interesting indeed.

Changing things has already had its effects felt in such an intimate and complex relationship as we have.  E. has altered his relationship dynamic with emmie and they will be working out how the marriage is to progress on a slightly less egalitarian set of terms.  And this will not be necessarily a simple or easy change for either of them, with 7 years of marriage behind them.  mitda went through a sudden panic of feeling "unnecessary" and had to be metaphorically dragged back into the fold.  Of course she is necessary.  And she is as involved in these changes as fundamentally as any of us, if not as immediately as emmie and E.

So altogether an interesting and challenging set of developments.,  I am looking forward, in a sense, to being able to mentor E. with the little I know of mastery.  And of course it is a push to me to learn more, so as to be able to share more.  Not that I wasn't pushed to learn more already.  It will be a push as well, I think, to emmie's submission, and while mitda already behaved towards E. in a submissive manner I expect that to increase and deepen.  Of course the girls are still enslaved to me, they pledged their being to mine and I would not trade either of them for the world.  If and when E. does find his own girl she will be his and his alone, I am a happy, satisfied, and occasionally overworked Master to mine.

The Pierced Slave ...

mitda added to her voluminous collection of piercings today with 3 labirets in her left inner ear lobe.  This picture shows the last piercing needle while still in her ear.  Thanks to emmie for some great pics, can't wait until you get the digital SLR and start having some control over the lighting and filters :).

TPE Dinner

After a local munch yesterday evening we invited another TPE couple out for dinner.  In one of our first public M/s situations we had gone to a conference/party that included a talk on TPE given by this particular couple.  They are an impressive study in such a relationship, both relaxed and studious in protocol, skilled in play and knowledgeable in the psychodynamics of M/s, and sensitive to both the spirituality and the science involved in absolute mastery and total submission.

As a result mitda was nervous, emmie less so although her general shyness kept her very quiet for much of the evening.  E. was very well mannered, as is his wont, and did a lot to smooth the flow of conversation in a situation where he was, although married to emmie, the only person not involved in TPE at the table.  He showed his interest in the subject and his respect for the other gentleman's experience and knowledge of these matters. 

It was a real relief for me to spend time with them.  Even in the bdsm scene TPE is an oddity, and it's not unusual to hear, for instance as emmie and mitda did at a submissive's meeting, that "TPE is a fantasy".  mitda of course countered with a solid argument, but one that was probably understandable to less than half of those present at that meeting, and to a degree if one hasn't experienced the absolute as it manifests one can find it impossible to relate to.  Speaking with this couple, discussing similar experiences and our reactions to them, and discussing experiences they have had throughout an extensive history that are new and unknown to me, but from a perspective I relate to, was both satisfying and refreshing.  I feel that much more confident in my mastery, and find that much more enjoyment in my slaves' submission, in sharing it with people who understand that mastery is not just being a 2 year old and having one's every want and desire met (although that is a nice bonus :) ), and that "exquisite enslavement" is not just a masochistic need to be used, but a path of self development within the encircling comfort of the Master's world and the unlimited responsibility he takes on.

Needles again

We played with needles again last night, here is a pc of Mitda's back after the 1st of 20 needles went in. Hopefully just one isn't too disturbing to sensitive types. emmie took the pictures of the event while mitda blissed out into subspace.

Social Contracts and Absolute Enslavement

In discussing a specific topic on The Slave Register a denizen (Michael XY) of the board brought up an interesting set of propositions culled from various places as well as his own mind.

1. an M/s relationship creates a society of two (or three or four I suppose in a poly M/s relationship) (Originally from Tanos and lili),

2. with any society brings a social contract.

3. A Master changing his mind in a way that affects the relationship itself rather than something within-the-relationship breaks the current social contract and would thus force a renewal. 

He also noted some issues that this raises. A slave would need to be freed in order to reenter a new social contract. And in some cases is this even possible? And is the slaves reacceptance of the new contract a sufficient condition of the change in mind on the part of the Master being acceptable and not a "breaking of the Master's word", or would it only be a necessary condition, other conditions requiring meeting as well?

I would like to look at the statement made in (2) to analyze whether this is the case all of the time, some of the time, or not at all, and if some of the time, what differentiates those societies that have a social contract from those where a social contract is irrelevant.

First to look at the definition and history of the term "social contract". The term was popularized in the book of the same name by Jean-Jacques Rousseau. Wikipedia has this to say as to its definition: "Jean-Jacques Rousseau (1712-1778), in his influential 1762 treatise The Social Contract, Or Principles of Political Right, outlined a different version of contract theory, based on the conception of popular sovereignty, defined as indivisible and inalienable - this last trait explaining Rousseau's aversion for representative democracy and his advocacy of direct democracy. Rousseau's theory has many similarities with the individualist Lockean liberal tradition, but also departs from it on many significant points. For example, his theory of popular sovereignty includes a conception of a "general will", which is more than the simple sum of individual wills: it is thus collectivist or holistic, rather than individualist. As an individual, Rousseau argues, the subject can be egoist and decide that his personal interest should override the collective interest. However, as part of a collective body, the individual subject puts aside his egoism to create a "general will", which is popular sovereignty itself. Popular sovereignty thus decides only what is good for society as a whole:

So social contract theory, for its part, rests on the notions of popular sovereignty and the theory of a "general will" which creates popular sovereignty. It also has within its sphere of decidability only what is good for society as a whole.

I would like to propose the following, then. The "society" created in an M/s relationship does not require the notion of popular sovereignty, there is no "general will" requisite to create such a popular sovereignty in any event, the only relevant will within the society being the Master's will. In any Absolute Enslavement relationship there is neither the need nor the basis for a social contract, and thus such a contract can never need to be negotiated or renegotiated, entered into or dissolved.

Working in the Middle of the Night

It's an odd feeling working through the night at Domus Daedali. For one I tend to work in the bedroom, really I do a lot of things in the bedroom, besides the obvious ones. But this bedroom is home of Bed Major, a 9 ft wide combination of beds put together that serves to sleep all the adult population of the house. Yes all four of us sleep together in one room, one bed. And we all have laptops on wireless. In fact I have two of them. So back to working.

I often work from home, particularly on my latest contract, where due to the nature of what I'm doing (this part of the project is pretty much solo, it involves doing work at a client site I'm not yet allowed to visit, etc.) I gain no apparent advantage by being in the office. One thing people who never work from home don't realize is that you tend to work harder at home. Sure you take breaks whenever you feel like it and such, but you make yourself always available by phone and at least within a few minutes by IM, and you take on and commit to producing much more work than you would have at the office so that nobody will think you're slacking.

So I wind up with work due at 9am, and it's 3:57. And my eyes are damn tired. In fact I decided to blog simply because I can't go to sleep, but for various nefarious reasons have to do my work work on a laptop with a crappy screen, when I own a Thinkpad with a beautfiful clear bright screen, and can only use it for personal stuff. *sigh*

But there are some wonderful things about so often being up while everyone is asleep (I'm an inveterate insomniac even when there's no work due). I can listen to mitda's sweet little snores. emmie cuddles up against my leg in her sleep. Jubal sends me into stark amazement every night by his ability to be asleep within 90 seconds of hitting the bed, and staying asleep barring trips to the bathroom until it is his appointed time to get up.

Damn I love my family.

Pleasant Evening Out

Tonight emmie, mitda and I went to the local kinky happy hour, which happens every couple of weeks. Unfortunately Jubal couldn't make it as he has night school now, going back to grad school to get his Masters in Counselling.

It was a really pleasant event. Getting to deal with the people we see at play parties in a more vanilla setting helps place them better in one's mind as fully rounded people, not just "bdsm'ers" or some such label.

I'm now unfortunately stuck with a nasty headache having had the nerve to try a local Texas beer on draft. Actually the beer was quite good, but it was a dark, bittersweet brew that was destined to kick my migraines into gear.

Punishment by Proxy

Last night I allowed Jubal to mete out mitda's punishment for disrespect. He did a nice job with the strop, leaving her pretty much in tears, and a pretty nice job of aftercare.

Not that I want to give up either of my slaves to Jubal or anyone else. It's fine with me if mitda subs to him, after all he is her lover, as well as being emmie's husband. But I don't think I'd like her being "his" sub, which is something mitda seems to want. It just seems that there's a contradiction inherent in being "my" slave and "his" sub, something that doesn't show up in a vanilla sexual situation, where sharing is somewhat easier. One can enjoy more than one lover, certainly, but can one serve two Masters? It definitely seems problematic to me. And how I would reconcile sharing with my concept of ultimate responsibility is another complex and uncharted area.

Today's Reactance Test is Brought to You By ...

emmie is bipolar. Not that this bothers me, as mitda and I are also bipolar, but sometimes it can be a little trying. Add some reactance to a mixed state and you have a volatile, angry slave who has no reason to be either. Of course in that state you can come up with an event to focus your anger on, but it simply isn't the real reason.

So we got through it and got out the real way she was feeling. And I punished the way she had expressed it. But now she's asleep in a benzodiazepine haze, benzos being one of the best temporary escapes from a mixed state I've found. And emmie is a wuss at taking meds compared with mitda, who needs double the usual dose on every med :).

Seeing her sleeping here so sweetly reminds me why, during the acting-out she did, when she asked me if I wanted to reevaluate our relationship I said "no, I don't particularly". I love her and what she brings to me in her role as much as I love mitda and the very different things she brings to me. I hope my response, made without hesitation, helps emmie with her insecurities, helps her know that no matter what I will be there.

Needles, Reactance and Punishment

mitda and I had some interesting and (to me) very hot play at a lakeside play party on Saturday. I made a corset/minidress out of needles in her back and ass, it was quite pretty, but a little overmuch for some of the "weekend ass slappers" ((C) Brutal Antipathy) that were at the party. It did have the desired effect of putting mitda in subspace and me in domspace.

emmie went through a period of what I can only see as reactance against the fact that I plan to take her in hand rather more firmly in the near future. She pouted and decided to be upset by something Jubal did at the play party. Jubal seems to be discovering "his inner sadist" as emmie put it, rather enjoying seeing emmie be punished for arguing with me. I reserve a strop for punishment that even the masochistic mitda can't enjoy the pain from.

I have most of my Sun server set up now with Sun's Java Application Server running a Java forum, wiki, blogsite, chat and project management software. In a little while they will become public, offering a US based complement to Tanos' Informed Consent UK centric TPE/IE site. Stay tuned for the unveiling.

Domspace part 2

emmie and I engaged in some SM sex last night after the Subway experience, and it led to the Domspace feeling of control, and also led to some other fantastically wonderful feelings.  I love the state of mind it engenders and even love the drop into exhaustion afterwards, as it's a satisfied, contented exhaustion far different from the depressive exhaustion sometimes suffered under subdrop.

This morning, very early, mitda and I decided to engage in needle play, I pierced her back and ass, which I then fucked, and then scratched lines down her back and across her ass, just deep enough for blood to well up in the scratch.  mitda went directly to subspace, do not pass go, do not collect your wits.  I was in a wonderful space myself that was hard to let go of for the rest of the morning, although the exhausted contentment that followed made it impossible to do anything but work from home.  Which turned out to be ok given it was the Friday of a long weekend and I had just turned in an important project on time.

Being Noticed

mitda, Jubal and the kid were out yesterday evening, which presented us with a quandary - do we take the risk of eating an emmie-meal or do we fast-food it for the evening.  We decided on the latter, not that I think emmie is totally incapable in the kitchen, however if it doesn't come in a microwaveable package it does cause her undue stress and worry ; ).

So off we went to Subway.  For those not part of North American fast-food culture Subway is a shop that makes long, very good sandwiches.  Not that this is a plug, they certainly charge enough for them.  But the thing is, we live in a very small Texas town, albeit not far from probably the most open minded city in the State. 

Arriving at Subway I pulled into the last reasonably close parking spot, nearly decapitating someone about to leave their car in the process.  He managed to close his door quickly and avoid it, along with his leg, being taken off.  As a result he, emmie and I were on the sidewalk going towards the shop at the same time.  I noticed that this fellow was giving emmie and I an unusually wide berth, without exactly perceiving why, and wondered if I really freaked him out by my driving.  emmie opened the door and proceeded to hold it open for him but he waved us both in ahead of him, as I passed him to go in he said "after all she's wearing the pretty turian".  

Suddenly it clicked, he knew exactly what her collar signified and was simply giving respect to two members of the "lifestyle" as it were.  I said to him "You'd be surprised how many people don't know what it means", and he responded that he knew full well, and in fact remembered us from a  play party we had attended some time before, one where emmie was tongue-tied trying to introduce herself and made more of an impression with her embarrassed silence (very becoming on a beautiful slave) than anything anyone else actually said did.

The incident left me with a weird feeling.  The fellow had been discreet enough, there was noone else really in the store, certainly not within earshot, and I had continued the conversation after he  mentioned her turian, so I had no issue with him talking about it.  It was just a surprise to find someone recognizing the collar in such a vanilla, everyday situation.  And I realized that in a sense this was exactly what we were about.  emmie was happy that she had been on good behaviour, but she usually is.  It's one thing to aim for 24/7 M/s, it's another to realize that in the midst of  a very vanilla neighbourhood we are actually living it.

Dom-space

When we play, sometimes I'm able to find the rhythm and the right kind of empathy to playmy girls perfectly. It results in a heady feeling of control that I term Dom-space, as opposed to the floaty endorphin fueled Sub-space a submissive can go into.

I don't know quite how else to describe it than as the feeling that the slave has become an extension of you, it can come during play, it can come during sex, especially certain kinds of sex. It can come while seeing one's slave(s) go about their business. It's part of the reward of being a Master, the less intellectual and more visceral part. It's a wonderful feeling ...

The beauty of my slaves

Today I've been struck, numerous times, as if I wasn't already overwhelmed, by the beauty of my slaves emmie and mitda. mitda is a word girl, a Joycean full of wonder at the joys of language and full of wonder at the world they give meaning to. emmie is as meaningful in her silences, her hesitations, her stark pronouncements as Beckett. They go together as complementary colours in the beautiful tapestry that they have made my life. I love them both and love them always.

Aftercare ...

Sometimes it's not clear to the Dominant what aftercare is needed in a situation. On Friday mitda wasn't able to do a certain something that we often do - limits change due to physical realities and what a masochist can take one day she may not be able to the next. I understand this, and I understood it at the time. After trying to push her to see if the limit was real, I backed off, lay down and told her to put her head on my shoulder, thinking she would interpret this as "it's ok baby, we won't do that tonight, we'll do other things ...". Needless to say she didn't, she interpreted it as "I'm tired, let's beg off for the rest of the night.".

So the care I thought I was giving her didn't go over. And she needed care. This type of miscommunication is one of the most painful to me as a Dominant. And I'm using the word "Dominant" advisedly here, because when I make this kind of mistake I don't deserve the title "Master".

mitda and I will of course work it out. Other happenstances made the situation worse, things I couldn't and can't do anything about. But the mistake was still mine. She is sleeping now as I write this, softly snoring quite beautifully. And I know from this that things will always be ok between us, no matter what words or actions pass from our lips and hands.

Successful playtime

During the evening mitda and I ate and played. This time I took her close to her limits, scaring her in the process, which I believe was what she needed after a fair period of very little S & M. We eventually collapsed exhausted, much to emmie's disappointment when she arrived at midnight to find us both flat out asleep.

However I did wake back up around 3 am. emmie and I played, in a very different way to mitda and I, as is our wont, and she seemed much happier after that. We continued until nearly 7 am with something of a break in the middle, and then it was pretty much time for breakfast.

All in all I feel that much closer to the two of them than I felt yesterday. We play hard, and we play rough, and it isn't for everyone. But it works for us.

Playtime after a long week

Tonight we have decided to indulge in playtime in a hotel after what has proven to be a long week at work. mitda and I are going to play first, while emmie goes to a dinner with friends, and then emmie is going to join us at midnight and all three of us will play for the rest of the night. It gives us time away from the kids and the household in general, time to indulge in the loud types of play that we can't do at home at the moment, and time to indulge in the type of TPE I feel is possible between the three of us but difficult to engage in consistently with others around.

This doesn't mean I don't believe our normal relationship is a TPE one. It's just that, with the three of us and nobody else, we are able to be further along the vector, the "as-if" of total power exchange that much closer to its totality.

Poetry Thursday (after mitda's post)

Then spoke the thunder
D A
Datta: what have we given?
My friend, blood shaking my heart
The awful daring of a moment's surrender
Which an age of prudence can never retract
By this, and this only, we have existed
Which is not to be found in our obituaries
Or in memories draped by the beneficent spider
Or under seals broken by the lean solicitor
In our empty rooms
D A
Dayadhvam: I have heard the key
Turn in the door once and turn once only
We think of the key, each in his prison
Thinking of the key, each confirms a prison
Only at nightfall, aetherial rumours
Revive for a moment a broken Coriolanus
D A
Damyata: The boat responded
Gaily, to the hand expert with sail and oar
The sea was calm, your heart would have responded
Gaily, when invited, beating obedient
To controlling hands

... From The Waste Land, T.S.Eliot

Some of the niceties ...

Some of the niceties of being dominant in a TPE situation are, well, obvious. If I need anything, I can just ask and it will be procured. If things need to be done around the house, I can assign it to one of my slaves and it will get done at the time I propose. Things like this make my life very much easier than it would be otherwise.

Other things are not so obvious, but after a while one gets used to them. Having slaves wait on one, in a literal sense, waiting for one's instructions, commands, compliments or complaints gives one a great sense of personal existence. Not only do I depend upon myself, others depend upon me. And this is extremely gratifying.

And, of course, it all adds up to a lot of responsibility.

If someone is waiting on one, in that sense, then one has a responsibility to see that they get what they need. Not what they want, necessarily, or even what they think they need, but what they actually need, and one has the responsibility of figuring out what that is, before one can provide it.

But this is the nicest nicety of all, at the end of the day. Figuring out what someone needs and providing it is the most satisfying thing to a dominant. To a slave, being told what the master needs and providing it is the greatest satisfaction, to the master, figuring out what the slave needs without being told is the greatest thing.

New work situation

Today I have to guide someone into upgrading a very complex enterprise class software system. The fortunate thing is that the upgrade is being done in the test environment, not production, given that it's the first time I've done it on this software. The unfortunate thing is that by repute the woman I have to work with at the client is utterly incapable of doing anything except following instructions. A colleague of mine has to work with her this morning to troubleshoot a new development server that she installed, and didn't manage to get working, and his initial response to my question about what he was doing with her was "committing suicide".

Guiding people can be both simple and complex. There is a psychology involved in getting someone to do what you want, exactly, precisely, without any open domination such as I have with mitda and emmie. In this case I still need to dominate, but as an "expert" and not a master. I like the following quote on the difference between an expert and a master, though you'll have to extrapolate its meaning since it specifically is talking about the two in terms of art.

"Expertise and Mastery: an expert, like an Aristotelian phronimos, does the right thing at the right time and in the right way (and will be immediately recognized by his or her community as having done so); but a true master inaugurates a new discursive practice, often transforming the old standards of success in the process and so requiring more time to be recognized."

Obviously installing somebody else's software is not "inaugurating a new discursive practice" in any sense. It's as an expert, then, that I need to make myself known and try to garner respect for my instructions by having my domain knowledge validated in practice.

Mastery has to be validated in practice as well. emmie and mitda have been wonderful enough to give me their trust and respect quite freely, but having it and keeping it involves earning it all the more. In this comes the notion of responsibility, which I am currently studying and investigating as a result. As an expert at work, my responsibilities are limited - to this project, these products, etc. - while as a Master to emmie and mitda there are no limits to my responsibilities. Expressing this leads to a limitation in itself of language, and as Wittgenstein suggested, running up against the limits of language is ethics.